can't stop thinking

Back when I was a kid, I believed that I would grow up to be this perfect person. There are lots of things that I promised myself that I wouldn’t become, a lot of things that I thought to myself that I would be. A black and white way of looking on what’s good and bad… and I believed that I would be on the good side all the way. But then life came… experiences came, friends came, and lovers came.

As a kid we are all idealistic, filled with hope and desire to be someone which we perceive as perfect. Growing up we realize that life usually doesn’t have the same plan for us. In life we face endless struggles and fights that ultimately influence us, our personality, our being. With each struggle, we change, be it a change for the good or for the bad. All of our experiences shape us up into the person that we are now. And the way that we face these difficulties also define ourselves.

Struggles, I have faced many in my life… some I believe, I was able to handle well, and some disastrously not. I would like to think of myself as the best product/version that life can possible give… well maybe not the best (there’s always room for improvement!) but good enough. There will always be things that I wish I could change, regrets they are called. They say that the way to live a full life is to not have regrets, but truthfully, who doesn’t have any? Then there are things that when I look back into it, makes me proud of what I am and who I have become.

So why am I thinking about all of this now? I guess you can say that I am in slump! I’m in a point where I am constantly evaluating myself, my decisions, and my life. Hmm… maybe this is quarter-life crisis… or maybe… nah I won’t say it, for if I do, then it would be immortalized in this blog and then it would be real. Hay!

I said I wasn’t gonna lose myself… but then POP! Goes my heart!

love is...

... an emotion so strong that you would give up everything, to just feel it once, to know that you are part of something special. To know that you can feel what love really is, to know, to feel, to love...

hopelessness

I’ve been staring at this blank page for a while now and I can’t seem to come up with words to describe what is happening to me, how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. All I have are questions, lots of questions. How can something so good be so wrong? How can a feeling which seems to be so right and true not be enough? How can life be this complicated?

Truly, pulling an end of a thread can cause for a sweater to unravel. Seems like this is what is happening to me right now. I am watching, right before my very eyes how a relationship so strong and deep unravels. How something so small can cause for everything to just fall apart. Ask me 2 days ago and I would answer to you that I am fine, not great but doing just fine. But now, today, I feel like there is a heavy weight upon me, a dark cloud hovering above my head.

I am feeling incredibly sad to say the very least. I am feeling hopeless and that’s the truth. I felt angry and resentful a while back for I know that it wouldn’t have come to this if it didn’t start in the first place. But honestly, I don’t really wish for that. If this did not start then it would mean that I wouldn’t have experienced everything that I have experienced the past 6 years. I can’t really imagine my life during those years without you. Yes, you.

I know that the problem we are facing right now is a major one; one that we have been trying to ignore the past 6 years; one that we keep trying to convince ourselves that would just get solved on its own; and one that we both are passionate about. You will change. I will change. Wishful thinking’s, easy way outs, ideal situation but in the end, no one is changing.

You came up with a way that would help us decide, just a few hours into it I seem to be falling apart. I am trying and failing miserably. But I will continue to try for it seems that it is working for you. You told me not to cry… but I am crying, crying over the unbelievable pain that I’m feeling right now; crying because I feel hopeless; crying just thinking of what I would be losing; crying because I’m just not ready to accept the fact that there really is nothing more we can do.

I am not ready for this. And I don’t think I ever will be.

unwelcome

I never had a conversation with you anymore wherein you made me feel welcomed… well not since 2000-whatever. And every time I try, you never fail to make me feel bad.



*PS: I deleted the previous post kase that certain person and I are okay na.

peace offering?

Cel called me up at 6 freakin’ am today to tell me that she will not be coming to work because she wanted to spend time with her mom before she goes back to Davao. I totally understood and I had no problems with that, except maybe for the fact that she woke me up. heehee! Anyway, she came to the office a while ago to give a ‘peace offering’ daw. Hello?? I asked her if we were at war (which we’re not!). Anyway, thanks Cel for the offering! :)

miracle

As I was commuting to work today, I was fighting the awkwardness of my seat (in an FX) trying my best to get into slumber mode. hehe! Somewhere along Osmeńa Highway a song kept disturbing my extended sleeping time. The song ‘Miracle’ by Whitney Houston which I know has been quite popular during its time has shown itself up to a particular stations’ play list. Nothing special I know, but the lyrics of the song hit home. I have been pulled back into my ‘thinking state’ for the past week now. Scary thoughts and doubts seemed to have crept its way back into my mind and have bothered me immensely especially when I am thinking about my future. Then I heard this song, sappy I know, letting myself believe that this is a sign. But whatever! I can believe whatever I choose to believe. And this song seemed to have made me feel better. So yeah, I guess that was a sign.

Nothing should matter

Not when love grows inside you

The choice is yours

There's a miracle in store

Nothing should matter

Not when love grows inside you

A voice of love is crying out

Don't throw love away

There's a miracle in store

How could I let go of a miracle

Nothing could ever take its place

Thought I was looking

Out for myself

Now it seems the pain

Is all that I have gained

I wonder if you could be my miracle

I wonder if you could spare me pain

Seems as though nothing will comfort me

Less today I pray

That you should come listen

sad thought

Ever felt this before?

Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time he does something that tells you he's no good, you ignore it. And every time he comes through and surprises you, he wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that he's not for you.

-Iris, The Holiday